A Statement by Buddhist Pizza

I would like to make it absolutely clear that I have not now, nor at any time in the past, offered inducements, bribes, strong drink, sexual favours or the promise of preferment to anyone to vote for me, lend me money or make gifts, in cash or in kind, to me or my party. To remove any doubt whatsoever, my party, The Emergency Sherry Party, is so named out of respect for the restorative and health giving properties of manzanilla.

I have, despite many years of selfless public service, had to suffer the indignity of being besieged here in my family home of Browning Street on the great Suffolk Plain, by and army of 2 reporters and that woman from the local ‘tele’. They have camped, remorselessly, for the past 4 hours outside our Jackobethan mansion engaging in some of the worst excesses of gutter journalism since the death of the people’s princess. (May her fragrance always be with us?) They have shown myself and Lady BP no mercy despite my setting the hounds on them, reasoning with their editors, and explaining that I thought a K was something you gave to a broody mare, and a big P was one’s first requirement of the day or 4am if you’re getting on a bit and the old water works are playing up!

I have also made the same points perfectly clear to that snippy little copper, Inspector Bates, who came round asking about hard disks, poxy servers and bypass backup procedures. I was shocked and have certainly never used such language in front of Lady BP. I will have to have a word with the wise down at the lodge about that one.

This is not about the selling of honours, nor conspiracy to pervert the course of justice. It is about a certain person and his lardy lump of a wife trying to usurp power before their time! I will not be moved from my course and expect to be a force in the land for some days to come.

I wish you and your families the very best for tomorrow, the feast day of St Blaise, the patron of the combers of wool, those with sore throats and the day on which, traditionally, the storks come home to roost!

Notes for Editors

1. Browning Street is a carbon zero heritage home which has provided respite and hospitality to many over the years including the Kray brothers, Peter and Roman.

2. Buddhist Pizza is travelling with Lady BP to Semipalatinsk where he will address the influential Gurb Institute on themes of Africa, global warming, nuclear power and air guitar! The carbon footprint for the journey will be offset by a further power failure in Sedgefield.