Another Modest Proposal

I greatly enjoyed John Kelly’s post in the Grauniad CiF (Cement is free) about Dog Shit.
John Kelly: A foul business | The Guardian

Recently I had my own fun with two warm clementines in a red Sainsbury’s plastic bag. I handed them to a friend while I carried out some manoeuvre which required two hands - getting foot out of mouth. As I dropped them into the friend’s hand I noticed the look of concern on his face at the temperature and texture of the package. I pronounced that they feelt like warm, toxic, Day-Glo, dog poop! The automatic retching sound was satisfaction enough but I couldn’t resist saying that, of course, I had thought of it before handing them over.

All of which is a roundabout way of offering that troubled soul G Broon, prime minister, a masterly wheeze to get back in with the PEOPLE, The Mail and all those idiots who think the Tories would not be ten times worse.

Harvey Milk was a politician who had real problems getting elected and surviving. Indeed he didn’t. Some crazed homophobe shot him but hey that’s the land of the free and a gun with every SUV. However, in a film which paid tribute to him I seem to remember a staged PR stunt in a park in San Francisco. H Milk walked towards the camera pontificating about what he would do as mayor if elected:- world peace, justice, be nice to old ladies, not pat babies and young children on the head. He appeared to slip or stumble and, on looking down, his face screwed into a rictus of disgust as he examined something unpleasant on the bottom of his shoe. He straightened up and with the gravitas found on the faces of presidents as they proclaim war, he pronounced that he would include in his legislative programme a pooper scooper ordinance! Worked like a treat and, despite his many perceived liabilities as a mayoral candidate, he was elected.

So, Mr Broon, I suggest a short walk to camera across College Green, giving Prudence’s endogenous zones a good rub for their money. At the exact moment when the people will be nodding off, stand in the pre-positioned dog crap. You now have the country in your grasp. All you have to do is look at the camera and pronounce, with dignity, that you will devote the rest of your term in office to ensure a deep clean of all our streets and open spaces and the return of the death penalty for dog owners who do not comply with the Miscellaneous Dog Fouling and Similar Annoyances Act. You will need to stress, the English are thick when it comes to animals, that this piece of legislation will not bring suffering to any dog.

You’re home and dry man, if a little smelly.